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How to talk to your spouse about your dry spell

Posted by Akila, 06 Sep

It’s normal for things to go cold in the bedroom department for most couples. One thing most people, women especially grapple with is how to speak up.

Well, if you are living with your dry patch in silence, one thing you need to know is that it’s important to speak openly about the issue. Much as keeping quiet crossing your fingers hoping that the spark will magically reignite is usually the easier option, but definitely not the best.

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Here is what Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, PsyD, says about it, “couples who talk about sex, have more sex.” That said though, it’s important to choose the right time and place to bring up the no-sex talk. You don’t want to spring up such a conversation at a dinner with the in-laws. And please don’t also do it via text or phone. It’s important that it's done face to face.

So how do you bring up the dry spell talk and how does talking about it lead to more sex?

Bring it up but don’t just demand more sex

One thing is you need to be able to hear your spouse and not just going on and on demanding sex. Do not simply assume that your partner is withholding sex. Do not accuse them of cheating or having some problem. If not relayed in the right way, your words may lead to a sexual famine.

Be prepared that this could end up being more than just sex talk

Don’t dive in thinking that it’s all about sex. Your intimacy issues could dig up more serious problems in your relationship. Be prepared for whatever issues your dry patch talk may unearth and be open to talking about them.

More often than not couples find that their spouse has been pondering about the same thing and probably had no clue how to bring up the issue.

“Sometimes there are issues that need to be resolved, not necessarily in the relationship but perhaps one partner is having anxiety or having emotional difficulties that make being intimate in a sexual way difficult,”says Dr. Jones.

Listen and ask follow-up questions

Even if you think you know the cause of your dry spell, don't just make assumptions and rush conclusions. Listen to your partner's side of the story. If there is something they say that you feel you need clarity with, ask follow-up questions so that you may fully understand them.

Share your fantasies and turn-ons with one another

Now that the elephant in the room is out in the moment, what turns you on? Its time to have some fun with it and learn each other's sexual desires and secret fantasies.

“Let’s pretend for a moment that the couple’s sex life has become dry due to a lack of excitement. Things have become routine and a bit boring. This is a great time to go back to the first stage of your relationship,” explains Jones. This is the time to jump at the opportunity of turning things up and around. Turn up the heat and fun in the bedroom by exploring each other's desires.

Device an action plan you both agree on

Now that the talk is done, what next? Trust me, implementing what has been agreed upon is the hardest bit of all. Make sure you have a plan that you can easily and comfortably follow through.

Every couple is different. So what works for another couple may not work for you. Scheduled sex can be exciting for some couples as it tingles to know they have something to look forward to. Trying something new and adventurous and letting things run their course works for some too.

Now that you are done with the talk, commit to turning things up however way works for both of you.