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Don't do this when dealing with a breakup

Posted by Ando, 09 Mar

Whether you were on the receiving end of a breakup or the one who did the breaking up, this is really hard to go through. The loneliness and anger really consume someone. Now that the relationship is over, if you want to really put it all behind you, you need to know what not to do after a breakup.

Breakups are generally different for different parties. So we are not here to say that there are specific rules that you have to follow. However, you need to know what you shouldn't be doing, especially when you just lost someone or had to let go of someone you once cared for.

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We understand that the emotional rollercoaster you are experiencing can sometimes be overwhelming, making one do things they would never have done under normal circumstances. Yes, you are vulnerable. But you know what? You are not broken. If you avoid doing these, you will save yourself more hurt and focus more on healing yourself and moving on.

10 things not to do after a breakup

First off, this article doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge that breakups hurt. It can take even longer than we would like them to get over it. Take all the time you need to heal.

That said, though, when on that road to healing your broken heart, many people end up doing things that can make the breakup harder than it already is. As a result, they fall into traps that make the post-breakup period messier than the actual breakup itself.

Even though some of these unhealthy coping skills we will mention today might bring some temporary relief, they often come with their own set of baggage and problems to add to your already confusing emotional rollercoaster.

Want to know how to handle a breakup healthily? Avoid these things…

1. Contacting your ex

Whatever reasons you think you have, reaching out to your ex is a no-no! You broke up. Trust me, there is nothing more to talk about. You don't need to contact them to get closure. Any contact you make strengthens your attachment, which makes it even harder to break free. If you want a clean breakup, you need to remove your ex from your physical and digital space.

Need your stuff? Let a friend or courier service do that for you. Don't give them an option to contact you either. Block them if you have to. Give yourself a challenge like 30 days of no contact. By the time they are over, you will have more clarity about dealing with your situation.

2. Begging for another chance

Breakups can sometimes get us off-guard. Depending on how much love and attachment you two had, you will miss the ex. Don't ask for a do-over if you have your eyes set on getting over the breakup. If someone sat and decided that they were done and broke up with you, whatever drove them to break up with you is not going to change just because you asked to be taken back. Sometimes it's your ex or the relationship you had you are missing. But if you dig deeper, you will find that all you are missing is the idea of being in a relationship. So stop trying to make something work that just won't work. Heal, and the proper relationship will find you.

3. Dating the next person who shows interest

If you are seriously looking for tips on what not to do after a breakup, this is one of the things you should NOT do. You don't start dating or marrying the next person you meet.

The moment a breakup happens, some people get back online immediately. I think it's the fear of being alone or maybe a coping mechanism aimed at numbing the pain. But unfortunately, numbing the pain doesn't mean that the healing has taken place. You will feel the pain as soon as that rebound painkiller wears off.

You need to give yourself time to let the breakup sink in and mourn the end of the relationship. This is a part of your life that is suddenly not there. Give yourself time to get back to the equilibrium of the person you are and have become. Taking time off dating will also help you learn a thing or two from the experience, which might prepare you to be a better person in your next one.

You don't want to jump into a new relationship with baggage from the just-ended one because there is a very high chance that you will be doomed for a repeat breakup. And if you are getting into a new relationship just to make your ex jealous... (I will let you finish that sentence.)

4. Dating another ex

I am going to admit that I have done this one before. Not the ex's friend. I sought out a previous ex, and we hooked up. Here is what I learned. If someone is an ex, they have that title for a reason, and it is meant to stay that way. To be honest, it was disastrous.

One thing that happens with a previous ex is that it's too familiar. You are not starting a new relationship. You will be unpausing. The things that you broke up over will still be there. You don't want to be dealing with demons from the past while trying to get over your current ex because those past demons will begin making your recent ex look like an angel who isn't. Then you will go back begging. Not cute.

5. Social media stalking and rampage

The best tip on how to cope with a breakup you don't want is to take some time off social media. We understand how unavoidable social media can be, especially if your accounts are filled with posts of memories you created together.

First off, delete or block your ex from social media to get notifications about what they are up to. Keeping tabs on what they did over the weekend is as good as shooting yourself in the foot. In addition, it will stir up unnecessary jealousy and emotional turmoil.

Don't keep tabs on what they are up to. You will just be prolonging the process of getting over them. And don't be that petty person that bashes their ex on social. That's immature and embarrassing to yourself. The sooner you make a clean break, the sooner you set yourself free.

6. Over partying

This one is very tempting. You are sad, and you want to numb the pain and drown your sorrows the best way you know how! Partying. Maybe you are looking for validation that you still got it.

If you are reading this and looking for answers to what not to do after a breakup, the drinking, flirting, or partying will not help you with the grieving process. Plus, substance abuse and partying can come with additional issues like STIs, addiction, among other things. Don't temporarily numb the pain with partying. Let it soak in. You will deal with it better and faster.

7. Comparing your experience to other's

Your relationship can never be the same as someone else's. The same applies to breakups. If it's taking you longer than your friend to get over your breakup, don't force yourself to get back there just because they did it in a month. If you need a year, by all means, take it. They probably took a month because they had already fallen out of love while still in the relationship. Do yourself and your future relationship justice by letting yourself heal at your own time.

8. Numbing the pain

Many of us think that the easiest route to getting over a breakup is avoidance. The easiest way is to deal with it! Emotions are not something that you just bottle up. After a while, that bottle will get too pressurized and will explode. Just leave that bottle open, and the let fumes of those painful emotions evaporate on their own. Allow yourself to feel the anger, fear, sadness until they fade on their own. Give yourself time to understand that breakup. Recovery is a process. Let yourself go through all the steps towards healing.

9. Remaining friends with the ex's family and friends

NO! NO! My advice? Break up with the entire family and group of friends, too – especially those you used to share. A relative could have a grudge over the breakup and give you false info about how fast your ex is moving on just to get at you.

On a similar note, don't ask your once shared friends how your ex is doing. If you are letting them go, then it's not your place to worry about them.

10. Staying friends with the ex

A lot of people who have gone through breakups have tried it. It never works out. I Don't even try to put yourself in that position just to appear that you are the bigger person, even if your ex put it as a parting request.

And in case you bump into them, don't pretend you're okay being in their presence if you are not. If you are uncomfortable, just leave. One of the best tips on what to do after a breakup is to always double-check whether the ex will be attending an event with common friends. If yes, save yourself the heartache and turn them down. Like it or not, seeing them bringing a plus one, whatever the relation, is going to burn like hell.